I suffered from post-natal depression with both of my babies. Each time was different, yet very much the same. The same isolation and loneliness and fear, the guilt, the hopelessness, and those horrifying intrusive thoughts. Dark, dark days.
I am so far out the other side of all that hideousness, that I feel like I have overcome and triumphed. Yet, in 5 weeks time I will be having another baby. Will it happen again?
It’s pretty simple to say no. I joke that I’m just not going to “do that” again like it’s as easy as choosing which brand of nappies to use this time around. I wish it was that easy. Just say “no” to PND and all will be well. I know it’s not that easy and I am a little terrified.
I haven’t bothered setting any appointments with psychiatrists because I have been let down both times with the previous births and the psych team never came, even though the appointments and flags were in place. The mental health system is a bit shit, so I wont even attempt to rely on it this time. I know some of my triggers into darkness and appointments and annoying people are two of the big ones, so that rules out counselling and psychiatrists. I also need to get out of the hospital as soon as possible after the birth, so that is the plan and one I hope to be able to stick to if things go well. I might even bring the car capsule into the delivery suite with me so we are good to go ASAP. Haha!
Another thing I need to make sure of is that I get plenty of sleep. This can be a bit tough with a new baby! But I have been practising taking naps on the couch and am now an expert. Hubby and I will also go back to the tag team evening parenting where I go to bed early and he stays up late with bubs so that I get as much sleep as possible.
I know that PND can be beaten, I’ve done it twice. I can do it again. But I would really rather not have to fight it. I hope things are different this time around.
Brain Status: Can forget keys, phone and date of birth.
I’m well and truly into the third trimester now with only ten weeks to go until I meet the latest member of my little family.
This weekend I managed to lose my mobile phone twice. The first time was on Saturday at a busy playground, and I did not notice for a good fifteen minutes. I sent hubster running back to get it and thankfully it was still there. The second time was on Sunday when I left it at the checkout at Ikea. I noticed as I was walking out to my car, and after the frantic handbag search, I waddled back in and retrieved it from the greeter. Phew! I then went back out the car park only to realise I had no idea where I parked my car. It took about 30-painful-waddling-with-heavy-bags-minutes to locate it. It was two floors down and on the complete other side to where I thought.
That same morning I had an event to attend and typed the wrong address into my GPS. I arrived at the GPS directed address 30 minutes early, so I had time to take a walk waddle around the block. When event time started and no one was at the address, yet people were tweeting delightful pictures of the event I was supposed to be at, it dawned on me that I may have been in the wrong place. I had to waddle 100 buildings further down the street to get to the right place.
Last week I had a blood test (I still have the bruise, but that’s not really important, I just like to mention it) and they had to check all my details. When they asked me my date of birth I gave them my son’s date of birth instead.
So, baby brain – it is totally a thing. I don’t care what “science” says, it’s a damn real thing and I has it.
A pretty good week on the happy photo sharing front. I’m finding it easier to find joy in the little things like cups of tea.
Monday: I love it when the kids amuse themselves with craft.
Tuesday: Earl grey with a teaspoon of honey. Little cup of heaven before bed.
Wednesday: My son humouring his little sister’s dress up game but insisting on the grey bow. He’s an awesome brother. She misses him while he’s at school.
Friday: Baking with this girl.
Saturday: Today I turned a pair of jeans into a skirt for Xanthe. I’ve been talking about doing it for ages and today I finally got it done. I’m stoked with how it turned out. (Why was I so excited with a simple jean-to-skirt conversion? Because I am not known for my mad sewing skills)
Sunday: Teaching Millar how to play Monopoly. He won. He’s very happy about it.
Not ready to share photos of my baby bump, I will instead share this photo to show you how I feel.
When my body realised it was pregnant again – after the shock wore off – it went straight into super pregnant mode. It didn’t ease into it at all, it just jumped straight into heavily pregnant, racing through all other stages if not bypassing them altogether. It’s like my body knows what it’s doing and doesn’t want to waste time in the preliminary stages. This is not my first time at the rodeo! It’s efficient I guess. I mean, why spend three months in each trimester when you can just jump straight to all that third trimester awesomeness as soon a possible? Right?
Still within my first trimester, my clothes struggled to fit and I had to stop wearing my jeans. Although my tummy didn’t look like a little baby bump. It just looked like I’d eaten all the pies.
Now into my second trimester, the bump is thankfully a little more pregnancy shaped and less pie shaped. However, it looks like I’m about thirty weeks pregnant instead of only eighteen.
My core muscles went on leave early too. They have previously stuck around until well into my third trimester but they were gone almost as soon as the second pink line appeared. This makes most things tricky. Like moving at all.
Baby brain kicked in quickly, taking away my ability to construct simple sentences or remember certain words or locate my car keys. Ok, the car key thing is not a pregnancy thing, It’s just a me thing. But everything else I can totally blame on “my condition”.
I am already enjoying such third trimester joys like heartburn and pelvic girdle pain. The stretch marks were already there, so I can’t complain about those.
I’m not sure if the exhaustion is new or is just a mum thing. But I’m sure it will never go away now that I’m having a third baby.