Toni Basil

Last week I tore my calf muscle. It was Friday night and I was dancing. This may sound like a familiar story of mine that starts with, “I was on my third bottle of red…” but no. I was dancing with my daughter to Hi-5.

I did something, a twist with a toe tap, heel flick something or other and I heard a very loud POP about the same time as the pain shot through my leg and I fell down screaming.

After the initial shock, I tried to walk. That wasn’t going to happen, so I lay on my daughters bed and whimpered like a wounded animal.

This was not my first dancing injury ever.

Here is a list.

Age 2: Dancing and jumping up and down on my bed with my friend Stephen. We were singing, “two little monkeys jumping on the bed, one fell off and bumped his head.” I was really into my character and fell off and bumped my head. There was crying and parents yelling and new rules about not jumping on beds.

Age 10: I was practising some awesome dancing with my friend, Alexis. We were the girls that would dance awesomely at the school disco and a circle would form around us and people would stare at us in admiration and clap and they wanted to be us. Or more likely were just staring at the spectacle of two tiny white chicks trying to dance like MC Hammer.

Anyway, I remember hurting my foot during a vigorous practice of the “running man” dance move. It was a niggly pain that was exacerbated by my sport of choice. Marching. (It’s a kiwi thing.) I had to miss the nationals because I had fractured a toe. Another girl in the team then showed me up by getting hit by a car, but continuing to march. Soldiering on, as it were. Made me look like a bit of a princess wussy pants.

Age 25: A night out with workmates and the dance floor is calling my name with some big hair fluro 80′s songs. I had consumed enough Jim Beam and Cola to believe I was actually channelling Toni Basil and I took to the dance floor and high kicked my way to an over extension dislocation type injury of the knee. The screaming and the falling down similar to that of last Friday.

I remember thinking that if I was in this much pain after the amount I had had to drink, then it must be really serious. But I went home and spent the next few days hopping around the house and crawling up the stairs until I accidentally popped my knee back in. Hurt like hell but was then all better. Still dislocates randomly. Sometimes when I’m just walking, not even dancing. Doesn’t hurt half as much though and I can just pop it back in. Yes, I went to the doctor. They said I was fine. I am clearly faking the limping thing because it’s so sexy.

Age, I don’t know… somewhere between then and now. Mid winter beach party at my aunty’s house. Another high kick, this time with a short skirt on. The kind of kick where the front leg goes up, the skirt pulls and the back leg gets pulled by the skirt and next thing, you are on your arse. Badly bruised tail bone and critically injured ego.

It’s not just dancing that breaks me though. I once broke my ankle when stepping off a treadmill.

I should just stay in bed.

So, how is my torn calf muscle? Thanks for asking. As you may know, I’m in India and I really didn’t want to go to the doctor. Doctor Google told me that the injury was a torn calf musle and would take 4-6 weeks to heal if the injury was minor. That sounded a bit over the top for my liking.

The next day I was limping. I couldn’t put my heel down without screaming but at least I could walk. My leg improved everyday with some gentle stretching and the day to day hobbling around after kids. Who needs physio?

I think my main motivation was not wanting to go to the doctor. My leg has healed itself because it’s easier than leaving the hotel and dealing with the hospital.

A driver that my husband’s company employs, presented to the doctor with chickenpox and was told he had brought it on himself for not praying enough.

Yeah. I think I’ll just stick to Google for my medical advice.

And I may have to give up dancing.

Have you sustained any injuries from dancing? I want to hear all about it.