I’m sure of it.

The ultrasound I had at 9 weeks only showed one baby… but that’s because the other two aren’t in my uterus.

They are in my bum.

That’s right, one in each cheek.

It’s the only possible explanation as to why my bum is suddenly bigger than J-Lo’s.

My thighs are looking super trim right now when I compare them to my butt and my baby belly.

I haven’t put on any actual kilos but boy have I blown up. But that’s what triplets will do to ya.

So without any weight gain on the scales but some obvious gain in size – I’ve decided my unborn trio are made of helium.

I’ve also decided to get some lipo when they do the obviously necessary c-section.

I don’t have room for three new babies – maybe just one. So up for grabs in November are two bum babies. Any takers?

Teething has to be the worst pain in the butt ever!

whoever designed babies should take that back to the drawing board.

how long does this teething thing last? I’ve been dealing with it on and off for the last 8 months!!! and now the molars are coming! What does he need teeth for anyway? I’m quite happy to feed him apple puree until he’s 18, then he can grow teeth and his girlfriend can look after him, or boyfriend, whatever, as long as it’s not me!

apparently my brother grew six teeth over night without so much as a sob grrrr. why couldn’t my son have inherited that?

who do I complain to about this? I need to write a strongly worded letter to someone.

Dear Miss tooth fairy and cohorts

I am unimpressed with the teething feature in my Infant version 1.

please send same unit but with all teeth already teethed, please be so kind as to remove the whinging feature while you are at it. If this is not possible, please just lower the pitch a little.

I would appreciate some extra hours sleep in compensation.

sincerely yours

Me